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Holistic Challenge

Well… I think I’ve gotten to a place where I want to strip away things that are making me feel less then vibrant and embrace a more natural lifestyle.

I’m focusing on getting my system cleaned up a bit, starting with drinking and smoking. Drinking, I enjoy, but I think in light of all the things that have happened, I’ve been relying on it more as an avenue of escape versus something to randomly enjoy responsibly. So for now, I think it needs to go back on the shelf for a bit.

Smoking, I really don’t like. Sometimes, after a few drinks.. I really like it… but I rarely like the smell, or how it makes me feel… so I’d like to purify myself of that too….

I’m ready to get back on track with nutrition and excessive too. I’m hoping that by changing the first two, I’ll find more energy and drive.

Well, that’s all i got for now.

Horrible…

person….. I know

Tonight… I took my adderall
I took it with pure intentions….. since my brain doesn’t seem to function right anymore…. I can’t organize my thoughts… I can’t get a grip on things that I should do… I’m a mess.

Tonight……….. I drank too much wine. I took the adderall and drank too much wine… and you know what I did?

I didn’t go out… I didn’t end up at the Claremont….

I talked to my friend in Virginia, about life in her neck of the woods, and the things she’s going through… and then I talked to my grandma.

Yeah… I got fucking wine drunk with grandma tonight

After spending the last, almost 48 hours going through my dead Mom’s most personal stuff.

It’s been pretty hard…. she had nothing……. NOTHING. But the things in these boxes….. were everything to her…… this stuff, is the Mom that I knew.

Long time, no talk

God it’s been forever since I’ve written… or even had the luxury to write.
I was looking back over past things that I’ve gotten up on my soap box about… and have to admit that wow… I was alot wittier back when my only concerns was if the Man liked me and my personal finances.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that maybe I’ve become complacent or *gasp* dare I say… indifferent, to the world at large.

I don’t understand HOW America has allowed Sarah Palin to still be a public figure.. and quite frankly.. it freaks me out a little. She has to be the biggest nitwit, with the largest trail of wrong doings… that I’ve ever seen any public actually have. Yet… here she remains. Everything that comes out of her mouth is a contradiction. The scary thing for me, is that, she actually has somewhat of a following.. despite her obvious idiocy.

I don’t understand Conspiracy Theorist. At all, actually. I don’t care who the fuck is to blame.. what I want.. is a plausible solution on how to fix it. Duh.. politicians are corrupt.. this isn’t news. I’m tired of hearing the Reps and Dems bickering over who’s wrong and how the other party can do it better. News flash Republicans… you HAD FOR-EVER to deal with shit.. and didn’t do anything… so now, back off a little. Stop living life with the mindset that “if only we were in office again, we’d do it better” you didn’t make it happen, your presidential candidate picked a terrible running mate.. and your ass lost. Deal. At the end of the day… it isn’t about YOU. It’s about us… the people you represent. So start working with some type of cohesion or kindly shut up.

I realized today.. that despite my feelings of being lost and overwhelmed over being a housewife, and stay at home mom… that in an pre-screening interview for a job… I’ve actually lost the savvy ability to wow the corporate world with my knowledge of marketing haha… not really.. it took me a minute to put back on the “working gal” hat.. and get the lingo down.. but I did.. and now have a chance at the “actual” interview.. but still…… I had a quiet moment of realization that my current accomplishments of creating a happy baby, getting my chores done and making the house presentable for the Man when he gets home… doesn’t rate all that high on the “outside life” scale. ha… whatever.. it’s trickier then anyone will ever give us credit for. It’s no easy task.. and your job is never done. When I came home from work before.. I could leave work at the office… outside of a few choice words here and there… but now.. with my current employment…. it doesn’t stop and nor do I want it to. I find deep pride in my kid smiling and being an overall happy kid… the house is mostly clean and the Man is mostly pleased with my “work” so Suck It America.. for the lack of credit in the “real” world.

I’ve realized that meds and alcohol are a very delicate situation.. and moderation is key.

Gotta run.. which I could talk more.. but I’m still pissed about the political situation … haha and my soap box is rusty from lack of use.

Feeling Good

Ohhhh what I wouldn’t give to have an hour, uninterrupted, to get out all the things that have happened.

As you know, my Mom passed. I miss her. I do. Duh. The thing that I find almost ironically poetic, is that.. the Mom that she was trying to hide me from versus the Mom she tried to pretend to me she was…… is actually a cooler version of Mom, then what I knew.

Fuck. That sounds bad doesn’t it? I don’t mean it in a bad way… what I mean is that I wish she would have been comfortable enough with herself, the good things about her, the bad things… her present, her past… everything… I think that she thought less of herself then what was really necessary…. but if she would have just shared that person with me, I feel like our life together would have been different. We would have been able to share in life.. and love.. and those lessons that come from simply existing in this world.

That didn’t happen though, and now, I’m learning about my actual Mom. Everytime I find something else of hers that we have to go through.. I learn another element of Mom. As weird as it sounds…. I love it. I almost feel like, I knew she had it in her. I KNEW she was just as human and fucked up as the rest of us. What makes me sad, is that I didn’t get a chance to really uncover those layers, while she was alive. But what’s regret……. really? I mean… I can regret a lot of things.. but I feel like the time for that, is past. You know… in the midst of all this, I’ve really let go of a lot of my own childhood issues… whatever feelings might have remained from a messed up childhood. Feelings of self-worth, feelings of being alone.. confusion etc… (don’t let the statement fool you… there was a lot of really cool stuff I’m hanging on to) have actually all magically vanished.. or at the least, worked themselves out. Through out these last few weeks of family roots, discovery, uncovering… etc….. I’ve felt more, complete.. then ever. Maybe, in a weird, spiritual.. twist of the situation… maybe that was Mom’s last thing that she could ever give me? By her passing….. she was able to really give herself to me… everything. I could blow your mind with the things I’ve found out about my Mom.. my childhood… my grandmother… etc…. but I LOVE IT. Bring it on, I say… I feel like all of us, is just a messed up as the person next to us. We all have skeletons, and cobwebs.. and dirty little secrets… the fact that I’m finding out that my Mom was just like me… just like us.. and very much a part of the world that she felt she was above… makes me feel…….. good. I know.. I know… sounds fucked up… but I don’t care.

I’ve never met my Father. I’ve known very little about him…. but since my Mom’s memorial.. for the first time in 34 years… I’m starting to learn about him. About who he was.. about the past.. about things that happened… things I’ve never heard, things I’ve never dreamed I’d ever hear actually….. are slowly coming to me… and it’s….. well… excuse the lewdness… but it’s fucking amazing.

Anyway… there’s so many levels to this… that I can’t even begin to breach that topic now.. .to many things to do before the baby wakes up and the husband gets home…

Speaking of… The man… is awesome. Sexier by the night and more of my best friend by the day… I couldn’t have done the monumental things I’ve done in the past few months, without him. I am truly blessed and experiencing love on a level I never could have dreamed about… even at 14.. when all you do in private is draw little hearts on notebooks and picture your prince charming… haha

Elias… is … everything. He’s all the beautiful parts of the Man and the left over weirdness of me… everytime he smiles, I melt. I want for him… a steady, peaceful, outdoorsy, athletic, creative and totally loved… life. I also make a promise to the universe here… that if he ever has a question about me, about Daddy.. or about anything, really…. that I will give him everything I know, unbiased and fully open to him.

Ok.. writing on a limited time situation freaks me out… if this makes sense to anyone.. I’d die of shock hahah… but either way….. I got out some mental energy, so for that.. it was worth it.

Yep. Suck IT! haha

Twitter

even though I still can’t imagine being even remotely interesting enough to be stalked (I mean.. .followed) whatever… you can keep up with my absolutely random updates at twitter.com/ryariot

It’s like my blog but in 160 characters or less. Yep.

Quiet Riot

Dude… I got married, had a baby, lost my job and buried my Mom, in a matter of 6 months. If I want to curl up in bed by 7pm… so be it. I’m a little exhausted. Can’t a girl catch a break. Fortheloveofjeebusalready.

I’m ready…

I’m ready to take my life back now.

My Mom has passed, and the time for mourning…. was intense, if not mildly brief. I’m not saying that there won’t be moments of pure sorrow, but my Mom was a realist, and if I take too long to mourn her, she’ll start haunting me. I know it’s true and if you knew my Mom.. you would know it’s true too. If I could have her back, healthy and living the life she loved, then yes… of course I’d want that… but if having her back meant she went right back into hospice, I would rather be happy for her choice to start her new adventure.

My Mom raised me spiritually, and I think that’s part of what’s helping me now.

I’m ready to work out again, to be healthy mentally and physically. I quit smoking forever, then started back up again when then shit hit the fan… and drinking too… so I’d like to get back into a balanced place with that. I’d like to spend all the quality time I can with my son, since to date, he’s the greatest life accomplishment I’ve ever achieved, and I find joy in doing anything with him and am grateful that I’ve been able to take this time to be with him during these months. He’s a spot of total joy.

Plus, I’m ready to get my head around gearing up for work, when that time comes about.

I’m ready to start putting on clothes and make up again, and as opposed to being in my jammies (yoga pants ok, not always jammies) all day… and I’m ready to tackle some of the bigger issues around the house.

I’m just ready.

Things I want…

this….. this is what i want….

“Account Manager

______ is seeking an Account Manager to provide the highest level of customer service to our advertising customers in ______. The Account Manager will report to the Mgr, Account Management and will partner with the direct sales team throughout the entire advertising sales process. Account Managers will develop pre-sales proposals, generate post-campaign wrap-ups, and drive renewals while building strong relationships with our partners. An ideal candidate will have extensive experience in Account Management, having worked with top brands and agencies across the online ad sales industry. Account Managers will be expected to contribute to developing creative and custom solutions for strategic advertising partners. This position is based in ______.”

damnit… i would be perfect this and i’m trying to get the interview but it’s hard trying to stand out among the masses…. how do get heard? i am actually over qualified for this position but i want it so bad that its all i think about (in the job world) I’m trying to work the heavy mojo but …. sheesh…… short of finding the recruiter and poking them with a stick, for once- I’m at a loss as to how to get noticed when all i have to rely on is a faceless email with my resume in it.

dear jeebus… this would be awesome if you could hook a’ gal up. thanks, sheebus

:)

ps: it’s actually a pretty fall day here in the dirtay south.. also, i’d like to take a moment and say that while i think it’s all shades of fucked up that citysearch would terminate (needlessly) the position of a new mommy and that aetna shojld be struck by lightening over the lack of professionalism…. i would like to take a moment to say that at the end of the day, i’ve been lucky enough to spend this time at home with my little son… i’ve watched him change alot in the last 8 weeks, and i’ve watched the husband and i grow into a real-live family.. and overcome obstacles that at that moment in time, seemed hopeless or out of our range of life experience. so in all.. i’m grateful for that.

pps: coooooommmeeee on.. gimmiethatjob!

Irony… it’s a bitch

So.. I’ve made it no secret that I’ve got a lot going on.. Mom, work, baby, husband, family life as a whole…. etc… so today, in the midst of the tornado of my life, I decided.. fuck the world. I’m going to take my adorable & increasingly pudgy little son to the park. We’re going to cruise around, soak up some sun, and in general… be at peace. I was working hard to let go of the thoughts that haunt me daily… I figured that, I could take an hour off… you know… any where I decide to lay The Stress, was sure to be there when I get back from my Mommy & Me moment right. Right. It worked. We had a lovely walk in the park, I soaked up the fall sun, and Elias opted to nap in his stroller. It was great. The last 5 minutes of our walk involves us crossing a small intersection. Really not a big deal. I come to the corner the same time cars pull up to the 4 way stop. On one side, redneck family in mini-van… on the opposing 4 way stop team, some dude with dreads and a shitty attitude. So…. coming from CA, where the pedestrian always has the right away, I assumed I should go.. but knowing that people in Atlanta don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves…. I did actually have the smarts to wait.. since no one was going anywhere, I decided to cross. Angry Dude across the street decides to go to… so NATURALLY I pause. God forbid I decide not to be kamikaze crosswalk lady with my 7 week old son in tow. So… of course, Angry Dude responds the only way he knows… and that’s to yell at me, complete with frantic hand movements… that clearly show both his anger and his OBVIOUS need to be through this crosswalk in lightning speed… anyway, so now we’re ALL clear that I should cross, so I do. As soon as I get out from in front of his car.. he guns it down the street. I was so bummed that I spent such a great, zen-like hour.. only to have it end like that. So needless to say, I hate Atlanta. I miss the beach. I miss the beach life. I miss the sunny, smaller towns…. Atlanta is just gross, dirty and at times.. cruel. Anyway.. so I called my Mom today, as I do most days- and he Dr has given her the “well, we’re in the last 6 months mark” which is why he sent her to hospice. They come into the picture when it’s 6 months or less to go…. after that conversation- I decided for once, not to think about what’s it going to be like. I thought about this:

My ideal job:
I applied to FB and with every ounce of JuJu my little (still baby-chubby though) body posses, I’m hoping to get that job.. or hell, right now I’d settle for an interview with them. We’re such a good fit, it kills me that I don’t know someone on the “inside” to vouch for me. Argh.. anyway.. so I was dreaming about that.

I was planning me and the Man’s first big date, without baby.. and I’ve come up with some fun, and low cash impact stuff. So I’m excited to involve somethings that we love doing.. with some things we haven’t had a chance to do- but I know he’d love. So that was neat.

I think alot about the days that Elias will finally be a little sturdier and I’ll be able to toss him into his little baby-bjorn thing.. and either walk the beach, or hike, or the pumpkin patch, or who know.. anywhere. I want to share all the beauty in the world and to me, the most beautiful things are the things that mother nature offers up. I love the moss greens in the woods, and I love the deep blues of the sea.. rivers make me happy. I love the vastness of it all. I love the purity in it. I love the sense of freedom that comes with being in the woods, or at the beach or playing in a river. It reminds me that rat race isn’t the only life that exists. Anyway, I’m anxious to share those things… camping, hiking, bike riding, boats, fishing, swimming, all of it. I’ve even thought that, since his Dad is an artist, that maybe a way we could encourage ‘Lias to be creative, would be to set up a little “gated” area in his room, where he could paint, or draw or basically .. be messy. I don’t know.. we’ll see… but it sounds like a cool area to me.

Anyway… for all two people who read this, could you work your own special mojo about the FB job? I’d sure appreciate it. Thanks

What they don’t know….

People who haven’t watched a loved one go through dying… don’t really get it. Most people’s intentions are good ones, and for the most part, they mean it when they say there “sorry” for what your experiencing. I spend a lot of time trying to keep my real feelings under wraps, for fear of dumping too much on people who simply aren’t qualified to handle that level of grief. When I’m alone, the tears come…. the heart breaks, and I feel the tide of hysteria start to swell. How do you explain that to someone who has no idea how to help, that has no power to help alleviate that pain?

I spent years being angry at my Mom.. for believing she made shit choices when I was young. For feeling like she left me over and over again… for feeling like she put her life and her wants before mine. When I saw her this weekend, I finally broke down and cried in front of her for the first time since finding out she was ill. I told her it wasn’t fair….. it’s not fair to live for 33 years and never lose anyone close to you, and then- the first person you lose, is the one who makes you feel complete & less alone when the worlds gone weird. I told her it wasn’t fair that for the first time ever… I understand how hard it was, raising me, fighting cancer, fighting my grandmother, losing her independence, dealing with the hormone flux… I get it now. I feel like I’m watching the whole thing unfold again, watching her fight with the cancer, the chemo, the constant feeling of sickness, the worry over the family… and now for me, feeling the stress of a newborn at home, dealing with my own hormones going crazy, the full overall body exhaustion, the worry.. the feelings of conflict (if I feel like I’m doing good as a mom, I feel like I’m failing as a wife, if I feel like I’m getting it together and ready to face work, then I feel like I’m failing as a mom… if I want to go for a simple walk, it takes a full hour to get everyone ready… I feel excited over taking the baby out in the world, but resentful that my freedom is gone forever now… then I feel bad over that resentment…. it’s mentally exhausting) my point to that was that I understand that everything that I feel right now… she was feeling, while going through all the pain and sickness she’s going through currently. When I told her I finally understood what she went through and now she’s not going to be around for us to move forward together and leave the past behind forever… she told me that at least she lived long enough for her to hear me say it. Then she told me that if I scatter any one of her ashes anywhere in the state of Georgia, she’s going to come back and haunt me.

She was turned over to Hospice by her Dr’s recently. We were both shocked, since we knew that she had a timeline, but we were all under the impression that we had longer then what there actions are saying. Mom and I are both angry over that, since the most important thing to us was total honesty. We need to know how long we have, in order to get things in order. She’s the main care giver for my grandparents and has been managing all there monies….. so if she has less time then there telling her and no time to fix the money situation- then chaos is going to ensue. I promise you that. Plus.. we’ve got cousins that are in no way…. good cousins. They’ll cause as much conflict as possible if things are not legally tied up. It’s a lot to think about… but that’s all I do. I lay down, for those few precious hours that I get to…. and all that plays through my head is the funeral, thoughts of her, things I need to say or do…. feelings of regret for things I haven’t done… haunted by things I did or said when I was young and thought the world would never end. I know better then to do this… but I think the lack of sleep has my rational thought a little compromised. I feel sick… beat… uncertain… wildly alone at times.

I visit the Dr tomorrow for the PP check up. I need to mention this to her, since part of what everyone was worried about, was the drop in hormones, the stress of a new baby and the added emotional stress of my family situation… and now I think it’s here, and that I’m trying to deal with it all … and trying to deal poorly.

I hate people who think that staying home with the baby is easier then those going back to work. For one thing… I’m not a stay at home mom. I DO have to go back to work, and once back, I take back on a job that is painfully stressful, I STILL have to deal with lack of sleep and the mental exhaustion of a baby, the changing hormones, the changing body, the new worry of the baby in some sort of day care, the emotional pain of my family situation and well… you get the idea. I don’t stay at home and skip through the fucking daisies, singing about how carefree my life is right now. I’ve had a crash course in baby development… my body has taken a beating, my brain is frazzled… I’ve read everything I can trying to understand baby-everything… in an attempt to make our lives easier and I think it’s helping. I understand baby cries and physical cues now, so at least I can catch him before he goes into a full on cry attack… I try and take on most of the night time stuff… which means any where from 1am-3am.. I can be found on the couch.. and on the couch (or near by) is where I’ll stay, awake… playing the guessing game… trying to keep him happy.. and the night quiet- in hopes that someone at least will get some sleep in the house.

Speaking of crying. Off the play another round of guess-the-cry. On a happy note, the suns out and shining nicely, it’s a beautifully chilly day. :)