Quiet Time

Well… here we are. Another weekend closer to the new year and with it comes the end of the year revaluation. For starters, I guess I’d been over doing it lately with the drinking and the good cheer, since yesterday, I woke up not feeling very good. I was scheduled at the bar but ended up not having to work. Normally that’s really frustrating for me, but they sent me off when good tidings and sweet texts. So after I found out I didn’t have to work, and I couldn’t shake the every rising heat that my body was generating…. I finally gave in and took my temp. Turns out I was cooking alive with a rocking temp of 102. Suh-weet. I don’t know how it works for most people, but for me- my body will tell me to slow down by way of a temperature. Usually it’s my poor little body saying “child, slow it down. Stay in tonight and show yourself some love” so that’s what I did. I woke up feeling better, which is just proof of how important good sleep is to your well being. I usually walk a simple line of balance in my life, but lately- I think with all the stuff that’s been going on, I went to far over on one side. The only thing that really frustrates me is that I’m so ready to work hard. I was super happy when my schedule was full…. going to work at the paper, heading to class, then homework, then back to work, to the gym, to class, to the club, and in between spending time with the boy. Now with the club slow, and class over… it’s weird to have more free time. New Years should be good at the bar, and I think it should be a turning point…. one that will take up that free time again, and help mama make some extra money. I’ve got to be ready to move in April, when my lease is up and I think if I get on top of that now… then I’ll be able to do what I didn’t do in the first place. Take my time and actually find a place that I love, that’s affordable – and hopefully, if I have to have roommates….. it will be with an easy going household. I dunno.. that’s just part of my thought process. My grandfather is still kicking but most likely doesn’t have that much longer to go…. but he’s at peace with his situation and the families been preparing for a while…. so it’s sad, but not devastating. I started therapy to help me gain the tools that I’ll need during that transition… which is good for numerous reasons. I mean, you can talk to your friends all day long.. but at the end of the day- you need someone who’s trained to help you through situations. At least, that’s how I feel. I know alot of people who look down on those in therapy… and you know what- I think it takes a stronger person to admit you don’t have all the answers….. and to ask for help, then someone who refuses to acknowledge that they can’t go at it alone. There’s an old Buddhist saying that’s stuck with me for a lifetime.. and it says ” A warrior is one who can survive the dark, and travel into the light… and true warrior will survive the dark, enter into the light- then turn and face the dark again” I’ve always believed that.. although I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone else. Life is a cycle that’s never quite complete. I’ve grown alot this year, and some of the things I’ve discovered about myself, have been truly earth moving (dramatic- but true) while other things I’ve learned… I haven’t been so thrilled with.. and those are the things I’ve had to turn back and face. It’s a rough transition for anyone to make, I think.. but even harder for someone like myself. I expect great things from me at all times and sometimes I struggle with simply accepting that I’m not perfect. I think it came from my childhood. I was always expected to act more mature, and more responsible then my age. In some ways, that turned out great.. but in others, wow- it left an intense weight of feeling the need to be great at every turn. Again, I don’t know if that makes sense or not… but regardless. So I guess going back to the work situation, I’ve got a couple things on the line that I’m excited about. I know this sounds weird but do you ever have the feeling that your right on the edge of something great….. and you can’t explain where said greatness is coming from, but you know it’s there and your in that universal wait and see mode? That’s me. Right now. In moments of quietness…. overall quietness.. where the nights silent, the minds at ease, the body- relaxed… I can feel it then. The excitement. It sorta flutters around inside me, leaving me with that “night before christmas” feeling that’s hard to explain. I know I’m on the right path, regardless how much it seems to be just plugging along. Maybe that’s the problem… I can see where I’m supposed to be… but damn if lifes not taking it’s sweet time getting there. I guess for now, I just wait to see how NYE goes at the club, and how the paper continues to go, and the other things I have out there. Every time I feel the need to do something more, I just keep getting this feeling that says to wait it out. So… here I am. Outside of the work front, things are good. Spent alot of time with the boy, which is amazing. It’s scary to say, cause really- you never know if its just you feeling this way.. or both of us, but I can’t help but feel that given a real chance, this situation might show us a different side of relationships. Not just the “relationship” itself but of our place as individuals in said situation. Basically, without all the pretty words. I think there’s a chance to experience feelings/ love on a whole different level then either of us have felt before, assuming that both of us are willing to take the leap of faith. There.. I said it. No one knows the outcome, since we’re always masters of our own fate, and things happen in life that leave us with very little guarantee of “happy endings” but regardless of how the adventure may or may not end… at least that chance is there. Damnit.. I feel like I’m talking in riddles today. My brains a bit of a jumble right now.. thank the cold meds for that and the rain. ha.. rain always makes me a bit introverted and thoughtful. I guess that’s it for now… oh, I was reading this random astrology book and came across this:

Capricorn Woman:
“She is a survivor, a loyal lover and friend. Her greatest friend is joy, for being born in the darkest days of winter seems to create in her a need for sunshine. She is certainly born to rule and even as a child is frequently observed to have a regal demeanor and queenly bearing. Capricorn energy is pregnant with potential for outstanding achievement. This woman has the substance to make her dreams come true but she must work to develop style. What ultimately makes her so fascinating and distinguished is her inborn courage, ambition, persistence and capacity to make her fantasies real. ”

Ok.. this is all true.. and I’ll be damned, it’s also to big thing to live up against. No wonder I’m so hard on myself. haha.. death before dishonor eh? Sheesh.

The Capricorn Woman in Love:
“She treads lightly on new territory but once she loves, she loves totally. Her passions, once released, know no bounds. When she lets the ice melt and the flames leap, she often becomes too vulnerable for comfort. It is then that her other side emerges. From behind the queen in control, a child peeks out, vulnerable, delightful and fragile. She probably feels vulnerable because she is inexperienced in sharing in emotional give and take. She cannot give halfway if she really cares, and so, to protect herself,she holds back until nearly sure of the other person. When the die is finally case, she can be swept away by the intensity of her feelings, open and enthusiastic.”

Well, I’ll leave you with that little bit of insight. I’m going to clean the room and the bathroom today, fever be damned. I have a meeting at 8pm at the club tonight, to lay out the game plan for NYE’s. Then it’s work and fight club on Monday, Tuesday- work/ gym, Weds- bartending, Thursday off… Friday, both jobs, Sat, club. This time damnit… I’m not getting cut. Even if there’s 2 people in the club, I’ll sweat it out. haha.. every change starts with ME and my attitude right? Go team.

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