The truth.. you can’t handle the truth

ha… great quote.
Anyway… alot’s been on my mind lately. So this here might be the tangent to end all tangents. Which is saying alot considering I’m the rambling queen. Anyway… so today I’m 8 weeks and 3 days along. Which is actually really exciting for me. Lately I’ve been so focused on other things that I kinda forget about what’s happening with me as a person…. today I was reminded of it, when I had a crazed surge of hormones that rendered me totally irrational and lacking in self-confidence. Thankfully, I’m blessed with amazing girlfriends, who have all gone through this before.. so they walked me through it. The lack of self-confidence was a bitch of a moment for me, since normally.. I believe I’m pretty cool, somedays I look alright, and on the days I’m not feeling the sauce appeal…. I rely heavily of my witty charm. Today, however, was a different story. I realized that when you look around and discover that you have everything you ever could have dreamed about, suddenly the realization that it could go away, terrifies you. I talked to my BFF’s today and both of them said the same thing.. yup- hormones. Every woman goes through it, from the feelings of no longer being attractive, to the worry that your guy will be attracted to someone else who can still fit into her jeans… to feeling of kinda being isolated… it sucked. Teri and Gina both had the exact same experiences, and told me that the best thing to do, is remember that your loved, trust that it’s your body going through heavy & intense changes, and know when to rely on your girlfriends to help you get through the “crazies” So that’s what I did, and they were right. The moment passed, but good god- for about 2 hours there, I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Yeeeash. I guess the main worry I have right now is wondering if the baby’s healthy, is everything going to be ok, will we make it all the way through the process with me and her still in one piece. I think the most terrifying thought I have right now is thinking of the first ultrasound.. every night I pray that we see a little heartbeat and hear the doctor say she’s fine. Speaking of ultrasounds… here’s one from a lady who is 8 weeks & 3 days too. It’s not really that impressive, but well- it kinda is to me, when I think that is what my tummy looks like right now.

oh and for the record.. this was what my tummy looked like before the baby introduction:

Also.. I’ve found endless entertainment online with baby sites… which is also counterproductive, since with all the good stuff I read, I stumble across horror stories that give me nightmares. However, this was one of the funner ones..

“Madame Zaritska, using her mystical powers, has the following prediction:

The day you deliver, outside will be light. Your baby will arrive in the early morning. After a labor lasting approximately 7 hours, your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 7 pounds, 3 ounces, and will be 18-1/2 inches long. This child will have light blue eyes and a lot of brown hair.”

This prediction came from answering a series of questions.. and oddly enough- I totally believe the Madame. haha… I guess it’s the fact that she says its a girl, and has light blue eyes and lots of brown hair. Cause.. well, if you ever saw me and this kids dad… you’d bet money that she’d have aforementioned features.

Ok, off the baby topic- and onto the boy.

Well, this weekend he surprised me to death and officially proposed, complete with gorgeous surroundings and the world’s most beautiful ring. The moments been my secret happy thought, and every time I revisit the moment, it’s sweeter and more amazing then the last visit.

I can’t speak for him, but I’ve always been the type of person that, the more familiar someone’s face is , the more attractive they become to me. The more familiar the boy’s become to me- the more I find myself staring. haha.. it’s all very school-girl-itis… but it’s an incredible feeling. I think a lasting relationship is being able to consistently find new things in an growing love. I mean, I know people who only live for the few moments of a relationship, when it’s all fire and spice, and I get that.. I do- hell, I’ve been there. I’ve been in the situation that once the fire’s gone, your realize there was nothing of substance to really sustain anything further. As a whole though, it’s the hard times as well as the good times, that builds the strength a foundation needs in order to sustain itself. I believe in love that exists without restrictions. I’ve been in situations before where the light faded once something changed from its original aspect… I didn’t dress up as much, or quiet times at home found me reading a book and wearing yoga pants, as opposed to saucy nightgowns- etc…. you have to have realistic expectations of one and other, understand that a girl can’t physically live in a constant state of dress up….. and sometimes we cry at nothing, or worry about silly things. Sometimes, we really want to know if those jeans make our ass look huge. I guess for a girl, we need to understand that guys need to be guys… watch a game, not always talk something to death, hang out with the guys, go out for a beer.. I don’t know.. spit on the sidewalk.. whatever it is that makes guys- guys… they need to feel comfortable being that. If it’s love… it will stay.

Huh.. well I did warn you about the tangenting vibe, so don’t blame me for that little outburst.

Onwards.. I’m still in my hating GA mode… but at least in the midst of hating it, there’s a sea of good things to be happy for. My mom has made a huge turnaround with her opinions of my little familia… which was shocking to me and highly needed. So kudos to random miracles. My job is good, but equally frustrating. I don’t get it.. everyone needs what I’m selling and I can’t get my point across any clearer then I have been in my presentations. For the love of god, small business people, stop acting like you know marketing. That’s my job.. I’ll take care of that for you, and you just keep making pizzas. By that agreement, we’ll get along famously. So … argh- to you dude. ha.

Ever since we were in Florida, I just can’t stop thinking about the beach, and weekends and after work nights, spent with the kid on the beach. Learning how to make sandcastles, dealing with sandy diapers, collecting seashells, playing in the surf.. eventually learning how to surf, wake board, skinboard, lifeguard.. all that fun, outdoorsy stuff that kids should be doing, instead of drinking soda’s on the couch essentially giving themselves A.D.D. haha.. oh christ…and thus it begins. I’ve always been a holistic and healthy person, but I guess I’m starting to get a little too focused on it. We’ll see.. maybe I’ll mellow out-.. one thing at a time. Let’s just get to the 12 week mark, with everyone healthy, and then I promise to relax.
Deal?

Hmmm… I still have tangents in me, I can feel it. So.. let’s see. Well, here’s our horoscopes for the week. Had to laugh, cause they seem pretty good:

“Your Lovescope – This Week
Cupid’s arrow has struck, finally. That’s the theme of the week. Decisions have been made and that fickle someone has finally pulled through. And wow – does it ever feel good! You need some sort of structure when it comes to affairs of the heart, and that’s what seems to be coming to fruition. Enjoy it! ”

“Leo – Lovescope Weekly Horoscope

Oooooh! Have you ever felt that one feeling that is like all good feelings in a bundle: unconditional love, trust, patience, and passion? Well, this is your week to experience this. Cupid is making sure that you stay tuned and remain open to this situation because it’s about to knock on your door. And most likely, it will come in a package that you would have never expected!”

Well.. on a different note- I finally got around to updating my social sites. I was keeping pretty quiet about things for the most part- but just got to the point where it seemed silly not to. I had told myself ages ago that I wasn’t changing the status on those sites till it read Married. Just cause. No real reason behind that thought process, I just couldn’t really be bothered to give enough validity to a websites status listing of me. Shrug.. so much for that. I still don’t think these sites make you anymore or any less of a person, but I figured that we’re moving in together, having a kid, and eventually getting married… might as well list myself as Engaged…. and to hell with anyone who gives me a hard time. I’ve realized that it’s all in the presentation of the news, and if your happy and confident about the choices your making, then others will be too- for the most part. I’ve lucked out, since even my close guy friends we’re stoked for me and have been volunteering to meet me for some non-alcoholic beers and decaf coffee.. hahah, which is nice in so many different ways. Mostly since it makes me still feel like I’m a part of something, instead of feeling sorta alone in a crowd. If that makes sense. I haven’t listed anything about the jelly bean yet, since I’d rather wait till we’re after the 12 week mark to really let it out. Well, I guess that’s it. I feel tired now, so that must be a sign of tangented myself into a state of mental peace. Mission accomplished.