Fer Fuck’s Sake

Right now… I dream of a day when I’m not totally and physically stressed about money. I know.. big boo hoo to me, right. I get it, the world’s in an economic crises.. I know, I’ve been in the line of fire because of it. It’s just that currently, everytime I fucking turn around there’s something else needing/ taking money from me before the money’s even hit my account. I’m sick of it. It’s hard to even remember that it wasn’t always like this. It’s been nothing but a struggle since I moved and it’s seemed to hit it’s peak right now. I know it won’t always be like this, I get it.. but just for the moment, let me fucking say to the world… YES.. I AM Stressed. People aren’t perfect and sometimes we end up in a situation where things have put us on an extremely tight budget. I hate it.. but it happens. The worst part is, is that the man has had to take alot of the financial stuff on to his own shoulders, and it’s hard for me to not be able to contribute as much as the moment. I like being an active part in helping, and I worry about the level of stress it puts him under. Anyway.. I’m trying. I’m working towards getting out this rut… it isn’t like I’m sitting around twiddling my thumbs and hoping that some magic little gnome will appear and make life better. At the moment, I just need one day of thinking of silly, happy things.. not major life decisions. When I’m at work, I worry about work… are they going to can me when I tell them we’re having a baby? Will they let me keep my position after the babies born? I know everyone keeps telling me that it’s illegal for them to let you go due to being preggo…. but you know what.. companies are fucking crafty. If it’s shady, cruel or against the odds- I promise you, it’s happened to me. Regardless if it’s a school doing it, or a business. I’ve lost a lot of my innocence when it comes to those two enterprises. So, hence the worry. I don’t want to not work for them, I enjoy the product I work with, which now and days, it’s a miracle right. I want them to be flexible and supportive. I know that part of that will be making sure to hit my monthly qouta, which last month I did, and this month I’m on my way, but still… I put alot of pressure on myself to hit the damn thing. I think that as long as I do that, I’ll be worth it to them, to keep. Anyway, so every waking moment at work, is buried under that pressure.. while after work, is constant worry and numbers swirling around my head. Everything will get paid, that’s the bottom line.. but it doesn’t come without a little piece of my sanity as a price. I know this sounds dramatic, but I let things build up till my body can’t physically contain the stress anymore. Hence the verbal tirade. I used to have an outlet, granted it wasn’t the greatest, but when I felt like this, I’d go OUT.. OUT into the world, drinks, mayhem giggles… a little stress relief… even if it was just a night out with my girlfriends, drinking and dancing and letting loose in general… which was an instant release, but ultimately, the stress was still there in the morning, just now with a little friend named Hang Over. I’m still trying to work out and at least break a sweat daily, in order to find some peace and balance… and it’s helping fo sho… but still… that’s another thing I guess… my entire life has already changed.. what used to be a reliable method of release, isn’t an option at the moment… the hormones that are hitting me now are so intense that most mornings, I just want to cry and I know it’s ridiculous… cause I know it’s the hormones, and really.. underneath all the stress and the hormonal sadness… I’m happy to have a daily sign that the little one’s healthy and growing, even if it’s hell on my mascara (till I got smart and got the waterproof kind) but mentally knowing that, and physically dealing with it, are totally different. I wish there was a way to have people understand that. I mean, women… get it. We deal with the ups and downs every month for a lifetime… but it’s hard to explain it to other people. We’re not crazy, or drama, or that sensitive normally… it’s something else that’s taken over our bodies that’s bigger then us, and out of our control. The best any of us can do is just take it one step at a time and walk through the feelings, with as much awareness as humanely possible. But… it’s exhausting. If you add it all together, the work stress, the money stress the daily fight against your own body… it’s not easy and it takes it’s toll. You know.. sometimes I hate writing this stuff out, cause people tend to think I’m bitching or they feel the need to make it better.. it’s not that. It’s a situation that only time can fix, and I’ve never bitched about my lot in life.. ever. I feel that I’m master of my own destiny and I understand that sometimes life has a way of dealing you a few fucked hands… but it happens, and I roll with it. The only reason I turn here, is just to get it out. I just need to say what’s on my mind, so I can lighten my mental load a bit. The only thing the world can offer, is just patience and understanding that sometimes, in order to find you way back to the top, you have to climb the fucking mountain. It’s not an overnight process. It takes time. If I’m struggling today, most likely there’s another month or two ahead of me, that the struggle will continue. Then it eases. It’s the cycle of life.
OH and as for the economy… all I have to say is that people in washington, your a bunch of morons. That’s great that your creating more county and goverment jobs.. good for you for the whole lets-bail-out-the-world… and side note, Obama… I’m still rooting for you, please don’t let us down.. BUT.. if you cheap bastards would stop worrying about your own paycheck so much, and make some slight changes. you would see a world of difference.. for example… everything that’s automated right now, put a HUMAN back in it’s place. I don’t need to spend 45 minutes talking to an automated service at Comcast, when all I have need for is a 45 second question that could be handled easily by an actual live person. All the robots in the factories.. put a person back on the production line. Right there, those small changes alone.. would drive our economy back into a stronger place. It’s not the cure-all, I know.. but the reason we switched to an automated world, is because the fat corp-execs wanted to cut costs. Well, kudos’. Job accomplished.

I’m not usually so upset, and I’m not usually one to cuss like a sailor, but cut me some slack. It’s either I let loose here or I start yelling in the middle of the street and if it’s ok with you, I’d like to keep my dignity in tact. Kthanks.