It’s not that

I’m some anti-social recluse.
I think people sometimes forget that at the moment, I’ve got alot on my mind, I get physically exhausted within seconds of doing something, I don’t exactly feel super attractive due to the relentless weight gain (that I’m fighting every fucking step of the way)and quite frankly- I just don’t feel like being around a lot of people at the moment. I love bars, I love drinking, I love making new friends and meeting people. I usually can strike up a conversation with anyone at any given time, and before this- you’d never find me at home before 2am on a Saturday night… or a Friday night.. or a Tues night.. life was free game for me… but right now… I’ve got nothing to casually relate to people on…. the questions that are going through my head aren’t really the “fun for party” questions. I’m not acting out of sorts, I’m not pissy, I’m not crying.. I’m not doing any of these things.. I’m just being quiet- for a couple of reasons. It isn’t a bad trait, or like some negative personality trait that I’ve suddenly acquired… it’s just that I’m pregnant. I’M CURRENTLY UNDERGOING SOME MAJOR THINGS. Sorry world, if I don’t feel more like my usual party-go-lucky self. I’m not really into going out much lately, since for fucks sake already.. take a moment to walk in my shoes….. it’s not really all that fun to sit around and watch people get drunk.. and right now- I’d kill someone for a fucking smoke BUT I can’t. MY LIFE has totally changed.. and it will remained changed now, for the rest of my life. I’m trying to get my brain around that. It’s great, and I’m excited, nervous, terrified, stokde and well.. whatever.. pick a positive adjective…but that doesn’t change the fact that the process takes some time and some patience to adjust to. I don’t need a social agenda… I’ve got my own and it’s working just fine for me. I appreciate people trying to find me something to do.. but I really am just fine working my way through my own agenda. I am having a hard time grasping that my independence is going to be going away. I can’t just get up and on a whim, hit Vegas… or get in the car and just drive across state borders (I’m known for that.. in California it was a bit trickier though, since you could drive for 3 days and still be in California… but in GA.. you can be in North Carolina in a matter of hours. I know this cause I’ve randomly walked out of a waffle house and ended up there) Getting off work on a Friday night, now will consist of an entirely different plan.. one that’s different from my usual, how fast can I round people up, which place to round said people up and what am I feeling like drinking tonight? Trying out for the derby team is probably going to be delayed again, at least until the kids 1. It’s not a matter of “damn I tired… I wish I didn’t have practice tonight” it will be “I wonder if Ryan’s ok watching the kid while I’m at a two hour practice in Stone Mountain or will a sitter be necessary… if so, who and how much.. and damn.. I guess there’s a bottle situation to deal with” I get it.. it’s a total package that came along with our decision to be pregnant.. I GET IT… and I’m taking it all in with as much class and style as possible.. but this is only part of the stuff running through my head that has me not exactly running out into the world seeking out party’s, socializing and the like. I mingle when I want, and I’m ok with that. I need everyone else to be ok with that too. Anyway, that’s just the tip of the mental iceberg… we havent’ even delved into the physical. I’m lucky enough to be the 1, in the 1 in 5 ratio women who don’t have symptoms.. but just because I’m not dying of nausea, or extreme emotional imbalances… doesn’t mean I’m not acutely aware of my body changing from the inside out. I’m also aware that my precious quiet time…. will no longer be just mine. I think that’s another reason why I’ve been choosing to be quiet and spend time alone lately. Not to mention, that out of left field… I feel like some heavy blanket falls over me… all the sudden my brain just stops working, and my eyes close without me even having a say in the matter, everything feels heavy and I’m just done. Literally. I have to go to bed right then….. I just really really wish I had someone close to me that was near the same amount of months. I just have so many questions and well- it would be nice to have someone who can actually feel what your going through.. or at least has an incredibly in-depth idea of what’s happening.. I know it may sound like I’m bitching, whining, complaining.. but I’M NOT. Speaking your mind doesn’t constitute as being unhappy. I’ve just had so much on my mind and so few outlets. My personality is the type who thinks things all the way through, till I come to a decision- either on how I feel, or what I want.. or how to say it. So while I’m in said thought process, it’s pretty much like going into hibernation. No good will come from being forced out the hibernation before I’m ready and I don’t want to feel bad about not being super stoked to go out and take over the social world right now. For the record, I DO like visiting with people, mingling when the opportunity comes up, doing things…… it’s just that when I’m ready to do something, I’ll do it. On my own time. This subject has been on my mind alot lately, which is why it finally showed it’s proverbial head here. It’s not really a topic that need to be aired, or “dealt with”… its just a thought that needed to find an impartial home… and voila. Mission accomplished. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but since I’m in the mental downloading process, I might as well throw this on the thought train. This whole “relax.. your pregnant.. just roll with the weight gain” thing that people like to get on.. I understand where they’re coming from, but I don’t think people get where I’m coming from. I’ve got a skewed vision of weight. When I was in my late teens through my mid-twenties, I was picking up odd modeling jobs. Weight was a crucial factor in that. If you had a weight influx, you lost a job or a chance.. or in some extremely shallow cases, a boyfriend. So, eventually I began to equate weight gain with the loss of something. I know it’s screwed up, no one needs to tell me that. I also know that I don’t want to carry around that idea for the rest of my life, and it’s something that I’m working on, through various positive outlets. However, it takes more then 3-4 months to shake a vibe that you’ve carried for years. I’m working on it..but in the meantime- I’m also watching my jeans not fit. So it’s a delicate balance. haha. Hmm what else. I’m currently reading the Twilight series- which it’s sort of a love hate relationship with. The second book has the main female lead walking through a hefty break up, and good god… if she was a friend of mine, I would have kicked her in the shin for being a nit wit. Believe me, I understand the feeling that a break up brings with it… the feeling that you’re insides just died… but the thing is, is that you don’t die. Life goes on and usually just gets better. It’s how you handle the break up that is key. I’m no pro, and it’s easy for me to talk so freely about something that feels so earth shattering at the time, when I’m happily holed up with a man that I love- but still… all it takes is one grand break up to permanently etch that feeling into your brain. However, along with the memory of the actual break up, comes the memory of the day you wake up and realize it just doesn’t hurt anymore. I’ve always been in a relationship, well.. most of my life anyway. I just do better in one, and I’ve never figured out why. It’s strange that a girl who thrives on freedom and independence as much as do, would actually truly feel content when in a relationship… I guess cause it takes me awhile to feel honestly comfortable with someone.. and once I do- then I allow my personality the freedom to play. Since I can be quirky, and odd and well.. ok, sometimes my jokes by pass witty and run amuck in the realm of cheesy (to which I giggle at just the same) anyway, I just got a little side tracked. My whole point was the character in the book… there were about a thousand times I just wanted to shout at her to suck it up already. Dude left you… either he’ll snap out of it and come back, or he won’t. In the meantime- pull yourself together for godsake. Umm.. I may or may not be climbing up on a soap box. haha.. I shouldn’t really go off on a proper tangent though, since I’m still reading the next book in the series and I can promise you that I’ll read the final one… but I have a feeling that I won’t shake the need to kick the girl in the shin. Anyway.. in other news… works good. Money still feels like its going out faster then I can make it…. all of which gives me the overwhelming craving for good stiff drink. It helps balance out the frustration… but since that’s not an option- I’ve been settling for bubble gum. Weird I know.. but if you have a better idea, I’d love to fucking hear it. haha.. well, I think that’s enough honesty for one day. Great talkin’ to you. We should do it again next time there’s a need for a tangent climax.