The Basics

I am sick and tired of feeling like a fucking planet.
I’ve been a barrel of positive vibes and have been working through everything that’s been handed to me, but sometimes I think people forget that I’m still a person, and that it takes alot of my energy & focus to maintain a positve outlook. I’m tired. I can’t really sleep well, getting up off the couch or turning over in bed, takes an act of fucking god, I’m hungry but don’t want anything, I haven’t felt sexy in like.. months. I’m a very sexual creature, but haven’t had much of a drive in the last few weeks, possibly due to the fact that I can’t see anything past my belly… and well.. worrying about suffacting your husband, can usually lead to a decline in friskyness…. I’m terrified of labor, I’m even more scared of the whole after labor part… I don’t know what to do with a newborn… I mean, I know it will be fine, I know everything is going to be ok… but I’m having a moment of panic. Let me have it. I worry about my water breaking …. anywhere… if it’s in bed, at night.. what a mess…. and … yuck…. if it’s in my car, then um… what do you do? With a client? Walking into a store? There doesn’t really seem to be a point where you go “oh yeah, that seems like a great time/ place… let’s have it happen then” I’m sick of worrying if I have everything that I need for the hospital, I keep writing a list and then losing the damn thing and having to rewrite it… I’m sure somewhere in there someone’s name will be left off the list, and forget to get the “labor/baby” text… which will result in some random drama I’m sure. I’m lonely as fuck…. which granted, I understand that I don’t erally have the energy to go out and whip up some new friends… so it’s a catch 22….. but I do get jealous when I see other girls going through a pregnancy and they have there buddy there with them, or I read in one of the pregnancy groups, that one girl’s group of girlfriends, we’re taking turns “walking her” for an hour each day in the last week of her pregnacy.. and she’s like 23! I”m 33! You would think that by now I would have solidified friendships like that.. and well.. to be fair, I did.. I’m just 3000 miles away from them. I miss Gina, actually. Alot. She’s that person who would do that kind of thing.. She’s good people with a big heart.. and she’s like me, if she’s a friend, she’ll always be your friend and will usually stand by you, unless your doing something stupid, then she’ll tell you that your an idiot. Anyway….. I worry that the weight won’t come off.. which is stupid I know.. but still… seeing myself looking like a planet with no definition in my face or body…. is just hard. I love the nice people lately who, out of left field, have told me that I looked amazing, or was too cute & all belly… this morning coming into work, a lady passed me on the stairs and said “girl, you are too cute! you can’t even tell your pregnant from a distance” I could have hugged her… but was too busy concentrating on waddling up the stairs. My brain is screaming for a work out, but I get winded just walking around the block… I was to yell at clients, and cry over my discomfort. I know I’m being a big baby in this blog, and I realize I”m not the only person to feel like this, and I know it’s part of the process… I KNOW. I get it. I”m not the type of girl who’s prone to dramatic displays of emotions, I don’t dwell on things that I have no control over… and am very very logical in dealing with life, love and such.. but whatever… today- this is how I feel. I don’t have the energy to brighten up other peoples days, I don’t have the knowledge to tell other people what they need to do to help me… or to prepare for labor or birth or whatever… I read everything I can get my hands on.. books, flyers, websites, other preggo groups… anything I can to help me figure out what I should be ready for, what the first stages of labor are, how to know when to go to labor & delivery… i read that you should go when your contractions are strong and coming every 5 minutes… but then I read that depending on traffic & your route, that you should go when they are about 7 mins apart and equally painful… then I read, if your planning on an epidural, that they have to give you a saline drip for an hour before they admister the epidural, so take that into consideration when leaving for the hospital. OH.. and since the epidural makes you numb from the waist down, you can’t get out of bed… so they have to give you a catheter…. yet another fun and totally embarrassing thing. You know.. people get this impression of me, with the tattoo’s, the outgoing personality etc.. that I’m totally freewheeling with things. I’m not. I”m super shy and when it comes to my body, I’m even more shy. I have a 50′s housewife mentality in the body of a bad girl. It’s confusing to people sometimes. I’m not the type to show my boobs for beads at mardi gras… I know I have my one SG set.. I understand the irony- and I have no regrets about it at all.. it was a cool experience…. I personally think it’s boring as hell, but whatever… my photographer was awesome, and I actually miss having him a short drive away.. but even shooting that, took a good week to get mentally prepared for it. Anyway.. my point was that the idea of being so exposed for the entire world, with so much going on… is adding an extra level of nerves to my already nervous situation. I have read that by the time your in active labor, you really don’t give a shit what’s happening. Your focused on the job at hand. Maybe that’s why I obsess so much about work right now, since it’s easier then thinking of things I know nothing about? Who knows. All I know is that I’m tired, I feel huge, I feel half handicapped, I feel a little lost, I’m losing patience with things, I want to go out and socialize but even just thinking that makes me tired, i feel like my brain is off and doing it’s own thing, but my body just can’t keep up….. I keep trying to make the world happy but have run out of that vibe that makes me want to give anymore of myself then what I have… which is dramatic, and not all that true… I just need the positiveness, the support, the help to come back as much as it goes out… I started the day, with a fucknig client texting me at 7am wanting to make changes to her profile… I drove out to east bumblefuck to sit down and train her for AN HOUR on how to do those changes her self… yet… still… text message mania at 7am. NO. Anyway.. I sound pissed off but I’m not. I just need a place to vent or I’ll blow up. This is that place. Lucky you.