What they don’t know….

People who haven’t watched a loved one go through dying… don’t really get it. Most people’s intentions are good ones, and for the most part, they mean it when they say there “sorry” for what your experiencing. I spend a lot of time trying to keep my real feelings under wraps, for fear of dumping too much on people who simply aren’t qualified to handle that level of grief. When I’m alone, the tears come…. the heart breaks, and I feel the tide of hysteria start to swell. How do you explain that to someone who has no idea how to help, that has no power to help alleviate that pain?

I spent years being angry at my Mom.. for believing she made shit choices when I was young. For feeling like she left me over and over again… for feeling like she put her life and her wants before mine. When I saw her this weekend, I finally broke down and cried in front of her for the first time since finding out she was ill. I told her it wasn’t fair….. it’s not fair to live for 33 years and never lose anyone close to you, and then- the first person you lose, is the one who makes you feel complete & less alone when the worlds gone weird. I told her it wasn’t fair that for the first time ever… I understand how hard it was, raising me, fighting cancer, fighting my grandmother, losing her independence, dealing with the hormone flux… I get it now. I feel like I’m watching the whole thing unfold again, watching her fight with the cancer, the chemo, the constant feeling of sickness, the worry over the family… and now for me, feeling the stress of a newborn at home, dealing with my own hormones going crazy, the full overall body exhaustion, the worry.. the feelings of conflict (if I feel like I’m doing good as a mom, I feel like I’m failing as a wife, if I feel like I’m getting it together and ready to face work, then I feel like I’m failing as a mom… if I want to go for a simple walk, it takes a full hour to get everyone ready… I feel excited over taking the baby out in the world, but resentful that my freedom is gone forever now… then I feel bad over that resentment…. it’s mentally exhausting) my point to that was that I understand that everything that I feel right now… she was feeling, while going through all the pain and sickness she’s going through currently. When I told her I finally understood what she went through and now she’s not going to be around for us to move forward together and leave the past behind forever… she told me that at least she lived long enough for her to hear me say it. Then she told me that if I scatter any one of her ashes anywhere in the state of Georgia, she’s going to come back and haunt me.

She was turned over to Hospice by her Dr’s recently. We were both shocked, since we knew that she had a timeline, but we were all under the impression that we had longer then what there actions are saying. Mom and I are both angry over that, since the most important thing to us was total honesty. We need to know how long we have, in order to get things in order. She’s the main care giver for my grandparents and has been managing all there monies….. so if she has less time then there telling her and no time to fix the money situation- then chaos is going to ensue. I promise you that. Plus.. we’ve got cousins that are in no way…. good cousins. They’ll cause as much conflict as possible if things are not legally tied up. It’s a lot to think about… but that’s all I do. I lay down, for those few precious hours that I get to…. and all that plays through my head is the funeral, thoughts of her, things I need to say or do…. feelings of regret for things I haven’t done… haunted by things I did or said when I was young and thought the world would never end. I know better then to do this… but I think the lack of sleep has my rational thought a little compromised. I feel sick… beat… uncertain… wildly alone at times.

I visit the Dr tomorrow for the PP check up. I need to mention this to her, since part of what everyone was worried about, was the drop in hormones, the stress of a new baby and the added emotional stress of my family situation… and now I think it’s here, and that I’m trying to deal with it all … and trying to deal poorly.

I hate people who think that staying home with the baby is easier then those going back to work. For one thing… I’m not a stay at home mom. I DO have to go back to work, and once back, I take back on a job that is painfully stressful, I STILL have to deal with lack of sleep and the mental exhaustion of a baby, the changing hormones, the changing body, the new worry of the baby in some sort of day care, the emotional pain of my family situation and well… you get the idea. I don’t stay at home and skip through the fucking daisies, singing about how carefree my life is right now. I’ve had a crash course in baby development… my body has taken a beating, my brain is frazzled… I’ve read everything I can trying to understand baby-everything… in an attempt to make our lives easier and I think it’s helping. I understand baby cries and physical cues now, so at least I can catch him before he goes into a full on cry attack… I try and take on most of the night time stuff… which means any where from 1am-3am.. I can be found on the couch.. and on the couch (or near by) is where I’ll stay, awake… playing the guessing game… trying to keep him happy.. and the night quiet- in hopes that someone at least will get some sleep in the house.

Speaking of crying. Off the play another round of guess-the-cry. On a happy note, the suns out and shining nicely, it’s a beautifully chilly day.

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