Feeling Good
Ohhhh what I wouldn’t give to have an hour, uninterrupted, to get out all the things that have happened.
As you know, my Mom passed. I miss her. I do. Duh. The thing that I find almost ironically poetic, is that.. the Mom that she was trying to hide me from versus the Mom she tried to pretend to me she was…… is actually a cooler version of Mom, then what I knew.
Fuck. That sounds bad doesn’t it? I don’t mean it in a bad way… what I mean is that I wish she would have been comfortable enough with herself, the good things about her, the bad things… her present, her past… everything… I think that she thought less of herself then what was really necessary…. but if she would have just shared that person with me, I feel like our life together would have been different. We would have been able to share in life.. and love.. and those lessons that come from simply existing in this world.
That didn’t happen though, and now, I’m learning about my actual Mom. Everytime I find something else of hers that we have to go through.. I learn another element of Mom. As weird as it sounds…. I love it. I almost feel like, I knew she had it in her. I KNEW she was just as human and fucked up as the rest of us. What makes me sad, is that I didn’t get a chance to really uncover those layers, while she was alive. But what’s regret……. really? I mean… I can regret a lot of things.. but I feel like the time for that, is past. You know… in the midst of all this, I’ve really let go of a lot of my own childhood issues… whatever feelings might have remained from a messed up childhood. Feelings of self-worth, feelings of being alone.. confusion etc… (don’t let the statement fool you… there was a lot of really cool stuff I’m hanging on to) have actually all magically vanished.. or at the least, worked themselves out. Through out these last few weeks of family roots, discovery, uncovering… etc….. I’ve felt more, complete.. then ever. Maybe, in a weird, spiritual.. twist of the situation… maybe that was Mom’s last thing that she could ever give me? By her passing….. she was able to really give herself to me… everything. I could blow your mind with the things I’ve found out about my Mom.. my childhood… my grandmother… etc…. but I LOVE IT. Bring it on, I say… I feel like all of us, is just a messed up as the person next to us. We all have skeletons, and cobwebs.. and dirty little secrets… the fact that I’m finding out that my Mom was just like me… just like us.. and very much a part of the world that she felt she was above… makes me feel…….. good. I know.. I know… sounds fucked up… but I don’t care.
I’ve never met my Father. I’ve known very little about him…. but since my Mom’s memorial.. for the first time in 34 years… I’m starting to learn about him. About who he was.. about the past.. about things that happened… things I’ve never heard, things I’ve never dreamed I’d ever hear actually….. are slowly coming to me… and it’s….. well… excuse the lewdness… but it’s fucking amazing.
Anyway… there’s so many levels to this… that I can’t even begin to breach that topic now.. .to many things to do before the baby wakes up and the husband gets home…
Speaking of… The man… is awesome. Sexier by the night and more of my best friend by the day… I couldn’t have done the monumental things I’ve done in the past few months, without him. I am truly blessed and experiencing love on a level I never could have dreamed about… even at 14.. when all you do in private is draw little hearts on notebooks and picture your prince charming… haha
Elias… is … everything. He’s all the beautiful parts of the Man and the left over weirdness of me… everytime he smiles, I melt. I want for him… a steady, peaceful, outdoorsy, athletic, creative and totally loved… life. I also make a promise to the universe here… that if he ever has a question about me, about Daddy.. or about anything, really…. that I will give him everything I know, unbiased and fully open to him.
Ok.. writing on a limited time situation freaks me out… if this makes sense to anyone.. I’d die of shock hahah… but either way….. I got out some mental energy, so for that.. it was worth it.
Yep. Suck IT! haha
Makes perfect sense to me, Rya. So many people go through life ruled by fear - fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of death, fear of whatever it is that scares them. We all have a tendency to forget that no matter how perfectly we live our lives, there’s no combination of brilliant choices that’s going to get us out of here alive.
That absolutely does not absolve us from striving hard to do our very best. It’s just that if someone manages to be shocked and appalled by the fact that I’m human, I see it as being their problem and not mine.
Glad to know things are good with you and your fellas.
miker said this on January 27, 2010 at 9:03 pm